God's Will and David Hasselhoff

My wife and I had a chance to go back to my hometown this weekend for my younger sister’s twenty first birthday. I try to go back and visit as much as possible, as my father, sister, and grandparents still live there. Still it doesn’t feel as if I visit enough.

I especially feel that way about my sister. It seems we were closer when we were young. I spent summers babysitting her, or so I thought. Looking back and realizing that my grandparents lived only fifty feet away, I see that I wasn’t the caretaker I thought I was. I enjoyed the big brother role. I made sure she finished her chores. Dog days of summer found us in the pool every day. I was always the designated lifeguard, or at least in my mind I was. My grandmother would always come out and sit under the oversized umbrella on the swimming pool’s deck my dad had made and sip her iced lemonade, but I knew that when someone needed help I would come to the rescue. I would be the embodiment of David Hasselhoff, saving the day before my grandmother could even enter the water and do her signature doggy paddle, barely treading water and keeping afloat.

Over a decade later I’ve never had to “rescue” her. She and I are different in a lot of ways, but we both share a strong independence. I’m proud of my little sister. I feel she has grown up to be a beautiful person. I regret not seeing her as much as I would have liked since I’ve moved and started my own life.

While celebrating this weekend, I couldn’t help but think of the person I was four years ago when I was twenty-one. I feel like the person I was then, in a lot of ways, isn’t the person I am now. That isn’t a bad thing; we all evolve and change as people. I feel like the person I was at twenty-one would enjoy a conversation about life over coffee with the person I am today.

I read an article not too long ago that spoke to me. The author took a point of view about perceiving God’s will that I share. He made the argument that we spend so much time worrying about if God wants us to be a nurse, or a mechanic, or if he wants us to be married at twenty one or twenty eight, or if he wants us to have three children or four that we forget how short life is. I don’t believe that God cares as much what we aspire to be in ten years as he cares about what we’re doing right now. God cares just as much about the little decisions we make every day as the life goals we set for ourselves because the little decisions determine how our lives will play out. This week I’m going to try to stop worrying about the big stuff and start enjoying the small stuff more. I know if need be, God will go all “David Hasselhoff” and rescue us. Life is beautiful, but sometimes we spend too much time planning it instead of living it.

“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.”- Annie Dillard

The play list this was written to consisted of “Twenty Two Fourteen” by the Album leaf, “Find Love” by Clem Snide, “All of My Days” by Alexi Murdoch, and “Sleep.
When We Die” by Anchor and Braille.

Indecision: My Specialty

I do not dream at night. I’ve heard it said by smug psychology professors in their brown corduroy jackets with leather elbow patches that we all dream. Supposedly it is an every night occurrence. I’ve heard it said that it isn’t a question of whether we dream or not, but rather, if we actually remember them the next day. My wife is always telling me about her dreams. Crazy dreams. Dreams consisting of our 60-pound basset hound mutating into a pre-pubescent Hawaiian child whom she drives across the continental U.S. They make random stops so she can enter him into hot dog eating contests, which he of course destroys the would-be competition. Always the well-mannered sportsman, he promptly hoists up his gold plated hot dog trophy and sings an impromptu victory song, consisting of lyrics pointing out minute character flaws in the other contestants, aiding to their deep seeded complexes about their freckles and acne.

These dreams are fun. You can’t wait till your spouse wakes up so you can tell them of your adventures. You rehearse your story in the shower, careful not to forget one farfetched detail till you see someone to share your tall tales to. As mentioned before, these dreams are fun, but that is all they are: fun. They aren’t real.

Our real dreams are altogether a different story. They aren’t always “fun” because real dreams and ambitions will always cost us something, our safety net. Don’t get me wrong. If your dream is to grow up and be an accountant, you aren’t really looking at a high-risk situation, unless you’re terrible at math. I’m not talking about these people. I’m talking about the artist, the writer, and the person who doesn’t fit into the nine to five, suit-and-tie society. For these people the risk doesn’t always outweigh the reward, but isn’t that what makes life interesting? There is no formula to living life; that would be too easy. Sadly, it is much easier to sell your soul to a mindless job for 30 years than it is to quit and set out on the path that leads to your dream. Why is this? If dreams didn’t cost us something, if they didn’t come with risk, then our eulogies would be terribly boring. A life without risk is a life not lived.

“The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live.” —Leo F. Buscaglia.

The play list this was written to consisted of “Newborn History” by the Damnwells, “Dream” by Priscilla Ahn, “Guaranteed” by Eddie Vedder, and “Imagine” by John Lennon

Let's All Pop Our Collars

I have been thinking a lot recently about the power of influence. The followers, the leaders, the non-conformist, we all fall into some sort of category. My wife always points out that I usually do things to be different. She is usually right. Even in trying to be different, I am in some way being influenced by others. I hate trends. I loathe shallowness as a whole. We are a society of "bandwagon jumpers" looking to fit in. You may not realize it, but someone else has influenced everything about us in one way or another. We take fashion cues from other people all the time. If you don't believe me, go back to 2002 and ask yourself why you thought it was cool to only tuck the front of your shirt in. It isn't just fashion though, it controls every aspect of our lives. Take music for instance; if I tell you Jeff Buckley’s live performance of the song “Halleluiah” is the best version ever recorded you are going to get on youtube and listen. You are going to base your opinion on the song off of my bias towards Buckley’s rendition. We have a strong desire to fit, to connect with other people. We all say that we try to be ourselves, and that is true, but don’t forget the influence others have on what makes us “us”. We have influence over those around us, even if we do not realize it. We are either going to influence people in a positive way or in a negative way. Lets step back and examine effects our actions have on other people. Lets spread love.

The playlist this was written to consisted of "I don't feel it anymore", "passion play" and "After all" by William Fitzsimmons, and "Latter days" by Over The Rhine